After a broken freezer put hundreds of COVID-19 vaccinations in danger of expiring last night, the CDC reportedly unleashed for the first time a genetically enhanced super surgeon to Seattle’s Swedish Medical Center to quickly inoculate crowds.
“He came out of nowhere and just vaccinated me right in the face,” said lucky vaccine recipient Carl Morris, rubbing his cheek. “He turned to the next guy in line and said ‘we can do this the easy way, or we can do this the hard way, bub,’ before launching into the crowd like a feral animal. It was just a flurry of hands and needles, and before you knew it, hundreds were left dazed and vaccinated. I really hope I don’t have to get punched again for the second dose.”
Following the early morning vaccination spree, details are beginning to emerge about the origins of the mysterious inoculator, reportedly a human test subject created in the underground labs of the clandestine Surgeon X program.
“We had hoped it wouldn’t have to come to this, but we had to resort to desperate measures if we wanted to meet the daily vaccination goals set by the President,” said Dr. Cornelius, lead researcher at the Surgeon X program. “Surgeon X’s hands have been embedded with six stainless steel hypodermic needles containing enough Moderna vaccine to inoculate a Seahawks home game. His enhancements have given him super strength, speed, and heightened senses – he can smell if you’re due for a booster shot. But whatever you do, don’t question why a surgeon is administering vaccines … it confuses him and puts him in an uncontrollable berserker rage.”
The CDC is currently in talks with the Xavier Institute to contract out gifted individuals able to shoot the vaccine out of their face or inoculate patients with their mind to assist with the long-term rollout.
