In a shocking turn of events, it has become apparent that KEXP officials have kidnapped Pearl Jam lead singer Eddie Vedder, and are holding him hostage inside of the radio station’s abandoned Gathering Space.
The Needling as well as all other major Seattle publications have received copies of the same ransom note from KEXP, made from cut and pasted letters of old City Arts Magazine issues detailing how they will not release the grunge singer until they receive their pledge drive goal of $200,000. For every donation, KEXP also noted they will throw in a collector’s edition vinyl of Joy Division’s Unknown Pleasures album.
“Ooohhh I, oohh yeah, I’m still alive,” sings a distraught and tied up Vedder in a harrowing video KEXP released today. “Howaahh have I gotta little story for you. What you thought was a donation… was not enough to save mah life. BUT AHHH I, OHHHERRR I’M STILL ALIVE.”
The ransom note lays out what they are going to put Vedder through if they do not get their money: Forcing him to listen to a constant stream of 107.7 The End, while gradually increasing the volume by one notch every day the ransom remains unmet.
“Ohhwwwaah, it’s terrible,” cries Vedder in the video. “The End used to be cool in the 90s, and their Locals Only show is pretty great, but most of the time it’s just Imagine Dragons and bands that sound too much like Imagine Dragons!”
University of Washington psychology expert Ray Downs says Vedder likely only has a few hours of hearing and sanity left.
“I think we’ve all probably heard ‘Believer’ and ‘Thunder’ one too many times, but for days on end while listening to The End? I’m afraid no one’s psyche can come out of that intact.”
