Within a day of Mariners CEO Kevin Mather resigning in disgrace after being caught sharing offensive views about his team on a Bellevue Breakfast Rotary Club Zoom call, team chairman John Stanton revealed he’s already replaced him with a leader who promises to bring the Seattle baseball team back “harder, better, faster, stronger” than ever.
“This new guy takes COVID precautions so seriously, honestly even after our face to face meeting I haven’t seen behind his mask/helmet yet,” said Stanton. “Not only does he not have a problem with translators, his own French is musique to my ears.”
Though the team isn’t ready to reveal his full name and identity quite yet, the team’s newly appointed president and CEO read an auto-tuned statement aloud at an afternoon press conference today.
“Like the legend of the Phoenix, all ends with beginnings,” said the CEO, dressed in a black leather moto jacket. “But something about us tells me we’re not just ready to get lucky, we’re ready to work it harder, make it better, do it faster, more than ever, hour after hour—our work is never over.”
One more time, Stanton assured Mariners fans that their pitching superheroes’ aerodynamics are about to blow people’s minds again around the world.
At press time, rumors were circulating that the new CEO is already looking at the team roster to figure out how to use it, break it, fix it, trash it, change it, play it, burn it, rip it, drag it, drop it, crack it, switch, update it.
