Dosewallips State Park’s most famous bivalve resident has reportedly been making waves and bragging about his steady supply of Trojan Magnum XL condoms a bit much.
“A lot of people get my name wrong and accidentally call me “chode” – it’s Chad – but that’s not my biggest problem: Finding enough condoms that accommodate more than eight inches,” said Chad, nestled in the sand and scouring the waterfront over the holiday weekend for his next special lady. “Look, some of my best friends are sea cucumbers and razor clams, but none of them can even begin to compare to my fabulous girth, if you know what I mean.”
Although legend has it some geoduck siphons on record have measured up to four feet in length, several local geoducks and geoduck hunters alike say they’re skeptical of Chad’s claims.
“I mean, I’m rooting for him and all, but he does spend a lot of time hiding in the sand for such a bold claim – I guess I’d do the same if I had nine delicious inches on me,” said an anonymous geoduck neighbor. “I just wish he knew, in case he’s exaggerating, it’s not all about the length—a lot of people appreciate a thicker, meaty morsel as long he knows what he’s doing, you know?”
Although he maintains he’s the finest piece of sea life anyone’s ever seen and fantasized about having in their mouth, Chad says he feels fortunate he hasn’t been served up for dinner yet.
“I think it’s because, honestly, I’m more of a snack,” Chad said. “If y’all want to dig for more of this icky sticky ooey geoduck, just look out on Instagram for my forthcoming OnlyClams page.”
