In what many have called “that sounds about right,” it was announced today that Mark Wahlberg would be starring in a Michael Bay-produced “action-packed thriller” about the Jan. 6 assault on the United States Capitol.
“You know, usually it takes two whole months for a class-act producer like Michael Bay to get started on action movies about a real national crisis people are still suffering through,” said Wahlberg. “To get an invitation to star in a movie that will be widely canned months before critics can officially shit on the finished product themselves–just three weeks after this traumatic event occurred–is a true honor.”
Wahlberg will reportedly be playing the part of a Boston-native police officer Tommy O’Shea who fears for his life on the Capitol steps, but also kinda gets where these rioters are coming from so he takes a few selfies with them in the name of unity.
“A story about Officer Eugene Goodman would probably be more interesting, but for some reason they went another direction,” Wahlberg said. “I can’t wait to start shooting the flashback scene when the cop is at the riot remembering how awesome it was to be fully outfitted in riot gear with shit-tons of rubber bullets, tear gas and some of the military’s new-fangled heat rays to drive away scary Black Lives Matter protesters handing out water bottles and Nature’s Valley granola bars to each other.”
Wahlberg said he “couldn’t be more humbled” to be working on the film and telling “the stories of real Americans” before he left the studio in his 2020 Lamborghini Aventador with a “RiseNGrind” vanity plate.
