The CDC just released the results of its latest study confirming what many had already suspected: There is not enough sage or bleach on planet Earth to decontaminate the White House.
“We knew achieving full decontamination prior to President Biden’s inauguration would be a monumental task, especially given recent COVID super-spreader events,” says CDC spokesperson Vera Sheely. “We were stunned to find contagion levels were off the charts not just medically, but spiritually.”
Although efforts have been made to acquire bulk quantities of bleach from overseas, there reportedly still hasn’t been enough to sterilize the West Wing, let alone the entire White House grounds.
“Purging the spiritual toxins is a whole other challenge,” said spiritual advisor Gwen Reynolds. “We bought out all the sage, palo santo and black tourmaline we could find from Etsy sellers, local metaphysical shops, and Wicca covens, but hot damn, those demons have a stronghold over the Oval Office. We’ve been so desperate we even tried Holy Water.”
Sheely says the CDC’s recommended course of action includes tearing the White House down to the studs or burning it to the ground and rebuilding, but last-ditch cleaning efforts will resume as soon as outgoing President Trump and his family are dragged off the property tomorrow morning.
“It’s a long shot, but it’s always easier to clean things up when an infantile and disease-ridden incarnation of Satan is no longer present.”
