Deafening cheers filled the streets Monday evening when Measure 187 passed in a special election with over 98 percent of Washingtonians voting in favor of snuffing a fellow citizen’s life from this earth for driving below the speed limit in the left lane.
The first of its kind ballot measure, going into effect January 1st, would make homicide permissible in Washington State only if a driver operates their vehicle in the passing lane at a speed which the following driver finds “kind of annoying.”
“I think it’s a slippery slope and I don’t like it,” commented a driver who does 20 under the limit in the left lane during light drizzles and wished to remain anonymous for his safety. “What’s next? We beat and bludgeon those kind enough to give up their turn at a four-way intersection? We crucify the saints who slow to a near stop at accidents in a show of moral support for those involved? But, whatever, I’m not too worried about it. I can’t imagine a member of our community actually being that bothered by being slowed down a little.”
Joanne Kiner, a Bellevue mother and Girl Scout Troop leader, also commented on the results.
“I will ice a motherfucker, no hesitation. I have groceries to pick up, hikes to lead, and cookies to move. My schedule is too tight to be slowed down by some schmuck who doesn’t understand the left lane is for passing only,” said the suburban mother of four, eyeing the cache of Thin Mint-scented Molotov cocktails in her Rav4 glove compartment. “I’ve got way too many of my daughters’ shortbread trefoils left to sell to deal with that shit.”
At press time, Kiner was seen circulating a petition to add “pickup trucks that don’t wave when you let them merge” to the kill list.
