Although there’s still no word on whether a concession speech is forthcoming from the Republican incumbent, an upbeat White House press release announced today that the future Donald J. Trump Presidential Library will include a full archive of the administration’s discarded Republican spines.
“Lindsey Graham, Ted Cruz, Kevin McCarthy–you name a loyal lil Republican who’s never stood up to the Trump administration in any way—not even when he threatened democracy itself—we’ve got their spine,” said spokeswoman Kayleigh McEnany. “Now this announcement is in no way implying the president will be leaving the White House anytime soon or ever. But if for any reason he does, we just want everyone to know that, for safekeeping, every vertebrae we’ve yanked out of a GOP politician will be discarded like a cleaned chicken bone into the National Archives of the Trump Presidential Library for Kids Who Don’t Read Good And Will Never Want To.”
McEnany said each spinal column will be featured with a placard telling the story of how the backbone was claimed.
“There’s a great story behind each one – especially Mitt Romney’s,” McEnany said with a laugh. “Oh he played hard-to-get at first, but it never takes too long for these guys to bend over so you can slide those puppies right on out.”
The library’s archive will also include the original set of blank pages Trump signed during coronavirus treatment at Walter Reed and the mostly blank 45-pound book handed to 60 Minutes’ journalist Lesley Stahl last month.
“Those blank pages were anything we wanted them to be, whether that was work the president wasn’t really doing or a plan to replace Obamacare that never existed,” McEnany said. “We want Trump’s biggest fans to know they can be whatever they want to be too – even president.“
