5 Ways to Be as Optimistic as a Cyclist Taking Up an Entire Lane of Traffic at Night

It can be hard to maintain optimism in a year like 2020. Fortunately, we have cyclists so optimistic about their chances of surviving another day unscathed they’ll take up entire lanes of traffic at night. We asked a few of them to show us the way to brighter outlooks with their little, blinky night lights.

1. Wear a helmet: Let the uncomfortable fragility of life melt away from your consciousness by donning a protective helmet. When cyclists wear this in the dead of night on two-lane city roads, they become blissfully unaware that the rest of their tender meat suit is completely vulnerable to all speeding hunks of metal careening up behind and around them. If it works for them there, surely it will work for you as you sit in your living room catatonically staring at the current electoral map. The helmet also protects you against inevitable moments of repeatedly banging your head against a wall.
2. Choose bright, form-fitting clothes: Bright, neon-colored Lycra is the way to go for cyclists who want motorists to see them with just enough time to slam on their brakes. To keep the weight of the world from crushing you into a moist little hamburger patty too, put on some bright clothes and hope you stand out and charm the forces of evil enough that they pump their brakes just for you too. If at all possible, also be white.
3. Buy the right blinky lights: The right blinky bike lights on a cyclist’s handlebar and/or wheels says to all giant, 3-ton pieces of metal threatening to flatten them, “Watch out! I’m the little choo-choo who could. Choo-choo-choose to keep me alive!” In your living room, turning these cute little lights on say it’s time to choo-choo-choose denial of reality with an impromptu dance party. Turn on the music and break out the drinks and snacks because it’s time to choo-choo-choose to keep your sanity alive.
4. Remember you’re saving the environment: Cyclists know they’re saving the environment, a good intention that automatically protects them with an invisible and forcefield of goodness that keeps bad vibes and SUV grills away. When you’re feeling a little worried about the direction of the country and society and large, just remember you live in an invisible liberal bubble that doesn’t provide safe, dedicated bike paths yourself.
5. Know how to take impact: Sometimes, despite taking all precautions, cyclists still get hit by a car anyway. The key to surviving impact and walking away in one piece is jumping on top of the vehicle if at all possible and flying off. So when you have to brace for impact of something bad coming your way as well, don’t let it take you down – act fast by hopping on an airplane and flying off to New Zealand.