In a damning blow to the Trump administration, the Supreme Court has rejected the president’s last desperate plea to unseal corporate McDonald’s documents containing the Hamburglar’s true identity.
“He’s been stealing and hoarding valuable McRib sources from the American people for years and it’s about time everyone knows it’s been Hunter Biden all along,” Trump tweeted after the rejection of the case was made official. “If the Bidens have even one tasty American bone in their bodies, they will release the year-round supplies of McRib from their nefarious Delaware coffers at once.”
The Supreme Court, in a brief unsigned order, said the President lacked standing to unseal the file in question, stating that “there is no sealed file on record for the fictional McDonald’s mascot ‘Hamburglar’ and that a cursory Wikipedia search reveals that one Howard Morris played the Hamburglar in most commercials, Charlie Adler in some 1980s commercials and Carl W. Wolfe in some 1990s commercials. It is the opinion of the court that you ‘have fun with that.”’
Trump has long promised year-round supplies of the mysterious McRib sandwich by tracking down the Hamburglar and had expected his recent Supreme Court appointees to help him in that end.
“It’s like Brett and Amy don’t even get why they were put on this high court in the first place,” Trump said in a release. “Good luck avoiding becoming someone’s Christmas dinner without one of my unsolicited presidential pardons.”
According to anonymous White House sources, Trump has already moved on to another lawsuit that will attempt to overturn his wife’s right to not hold hands in public.
