Seattle’s Office of Police Accountability ruled today that an officer who had been recently filmed kneeling on several protesters necks was guilty of no wrongdoing and was merely being a typical Scorpio.
“Oh you know how they get when Mercury’s in retrograde – everything gets a little crazy and chaotic, and then that gets mixed in with their signature traits of stubbornness, possessiveness and violence,” said Derek Winger, chief of the city’s independent police watchdog agency housed within the Seattle Police Department. “After much investigation of his natal charts, we found Officer Stanley’s behavior more tied to being born at the end of October than any inherent lack of character, empathy or soul.”
Asked if Officer Stanley would be ordered to take a training or be punished at all for what many are calling undisputable acts of police misconduct and brutality, Winger said that would not be necessary.
“We feel confident Mercury’s current conjunction with the Sun will bring Scorpios like Officer Stanley important information and insights going forward,” Chief Winger said. “At least we hope so. It’s not like the Seattle Police Department has to listen a damn word we say anyway so, let’s all just cross our fingers and hope police brutality will go away like a miracle – like magic. I really feel we’re turning a corner.”
Planetary rulers of Scorpio – Mars, God of War, and Pluto, God of the Underworld—both agreed they have full confidence in Officer Stanley to respectfully carry out his sworn duties again as long as Libras, Sagittariuses and Leos stay out of his goddamn way.
