After his girlfriend pleaded him to make sure his family back in Pennsylvania votes early for candidates who protect women’s reproductive rights, Pittsburgh Steelers fan Tom Mickelson confirmed that’s not his fight, especially with a game against the Baltimore Ravens coming up on Nov. 1.
“Honey, I don’t think you understand how much pressure I’m under already: We’re literally running neck and neck here with our sworn AFC North Division rival,” said Mickelson, whose been enjoying condomless sex ever since his girlfriend Megan Kitterson got a fully insured IUD painfully inserted into her uterus three years ago. “We both have 5 wins and I’m afraid if I don’t have enough of my full focus on ESPN, the Bill Simmons podcast and my fantasy football league, we might lose this thing. You just don’t understand how bad that would feel, I guess.”
Even more stressful, Mickelson said, is the possibility that the Steelers may lose their perfect record in a game against the undefeated Titans this week while the Ravens enjoy a perfect record-preserving bye week.
“I can’t take my eyes off this fight for a moment, okay? We may not even win our division if we’re not careful!” Mickelson said, blissfully unaware of all the child support he’d owe two ex-girlfriends if they hadn’t gotten abortions without bothering him. “Devin Bush is injured – out! We may not even beat the Titans! Do you know how much that would suck?”
Although Kitterson said she couldn’t imagine how much that particular kind of loss would suck, she guessed it might suck at least as much as realizing you need to break up with an ignorant and overprivileged douchebag.
