Local woman Rachel Sellman confirmed witness reports today that her longing stares out rain-drenched windows are due to her endless craving for the novelty and adventure of experiencing other bathrooms.
“My bathroom is always so stocked, so clean, safe – predictable,” said Sellman with a sigh. “I yearn for the days of spontaneously popping into any public bathroom stall with the thrill of not knowing if I’d be using the thinnest bathroom tissue known to man or desperately ripping apart portions of a cardboard toilet roll. It’s been months since I’ve felt the adrenaline rush of an automated toilet flushing before I was done. I even miss the seat covers sticking to my ass.”
Sellman then nostalgically swiped through Instagram photos of her favorite Before Times bathroom trips.
“I used to really get around, you know?” Sellman said with a smile. “Artsy café bathrooms the owners always put their extra dressers in for some reason, music festival outhouses, Optimism Brewery’s annoyingly mirrorless gender neutral bathroom — even El Corazon’s tiny stall concerts. Those were the days.”
For now, Sellman says she’ll continue being patient for a vaccine to end the pandemic and keep fantasizing about all the new restrooms she’ll hit up when this is all over.
“You better believe I’m going all out when it’s safe to do so. I’m eating an entire crockpot of chili and heading straight over to Columbia Tower Club’s 76th floor restroom to have a nice view for the occasion.”
