In an effort to rebuild trust in its assembly line quality after cutting corners led to several of its planes falling out of the sky, Boeing assured airlines and the general public this morning that the integrity of its aircrafts is sure to increase now that it’s moving almost all of its production away from Everett’s highly-skilled union workforce to less experienced, lower paid and non-union workers in South Carolina.
“The entire reason we bought this South Carolina manufacturing plant a decade ago is because the work we outsourced here to avoid Washington state’s union labor was so shitty we had to buy them out and take over the operations ourselves,” said Boeing CEO Dave Calhoun. “Then, to finish Dreamliner production for all these years, we had to do all this inefficient shipping between Everett and South Carolina. Take that, union assholes – the CEOs of this company are clearly the real business geniuses of this operation. With the reputation of our company still in the dumps after our clever financial decision to omit safety features killed 346 people, I see no rational reason Boeing should stop cutting corners on aircraft production quality now.”
Asked if he was concerned about Boeing–America’s largest exporter–building more aircrafts of questionable quality at this tenuous moment in the company’s history, Calhoun shook his head.
“You don’t really think any of that is my concern, do you?” Calhoun laughed. “That’s not how it works for us CEOs. You should see the golden parachute I’ve got in my contract no matter what happens. All I need to do is make sure the right people made the right amount of money before this whole thing goes bust. After those tragic airplane crashes and the grounding of our entire line of 737 MAX planes, our last CEO still exited the company with a $62 million bonus. I’m just counting the days, guys.”
At press time, Calhoun was reportedly still wondering if the Trump administration had $60 billion in economic stimulus lying around for a few pretty stock buy-backs he’s had his eyes on.
