Following two solid weeks of being socked in by hazardous wildfire smoke, everyone in Seattle has reportedly excused themselves to kiss and make sweet, sweet, love to the clear-aired sky.
“This patch of blue sky’s got me blowin’, blowin’ my mind,“ said Lee Phelps, one of many local residents at Jimi Hendrix Park in Central District. “Is it tomorrow or just the end of time? Let’s face it: Probably the end of time. I’ve been acting funny and that’s probably why–excuse me while I kiss the sky.”
Phelps then proceeded to social-distance make-out with a cloud containing an uncanny resemblance to Jennifer Love Hewitt before taking things to his back yard.
Witnesses say the unprecedented levels of heavenly PDA have been going on since at least Saturday. Trump administration officials said they’re carefully monitoring the situation.
“It’s total anarchy out here,” said Department of Homeland Security agent Chad Johnson. “Look at all these dirty Seattle ‘Summer of Love’ hippies getting hard-ons for clear, breathable air from the sky – it makes me sick. Next thing you know, they’ll be walking around all googly-eyed getting ice cream cones of Ben N Jerry’s A.C.A.B. Cookie Crunch together. Yuck.”
Asked how she felt, one woman romancing the sky this afternoon said she doesn’t know.
“Am I happy or in misery? Who knows? 2020’s been one giant emotional roller coaster of highs and lows,” said the woman. “Whatever it is, this breathable air’s put a spell on me. Excuse me while I get some sexy selfies with the sky.”
