Terrified even a modicum of lasting institutional reform might creep into the East Precinct on Capitol Hill, the Seattle Police Department spent the weekend barricading it off with a man-eating shark-infested moat.
“There’s been a couple of close calls this last month where the Seattle City Council almost successfully cut our $400 million budget by a jaw-dropping 1%,” said Seattle Police Guild President Mike Solan. “I’m just happy Mayor Durkan stepped in so quickly veto that budget while paying for the overnight construction of our East Precinct’s medieval moat filled with bloodthirsty white sharks. On-brand, right? Our PR team is amazing.”
Construction of the moat also involved building a concrete castle fortress wall surrounding the precinct.
“Despite our long list of unaddressed excessive force charges, we are this city’s white knights and it’s about time we were treated like it,” Solan said while trying on his new chainmail riot gear. “We shall not rest until we celebrate our final joust against civil rights demonstrators at Cal Anderson with honey mead and roast pheasant at the city’s expense! But first I need one of those knight helmets with red feathers on top—the fluffy kind.”
Despite the East Precinct’s new barricades, Solan says he’s urging Durkan to not relent in her fight against those trying to even slightly defund the police.
“Sure, we’ve got a new castle wall and moat, but don’t forget that we still need more money so that these sharks can finally have freaking laser beams attached to their heads.”
