Following its second outbreak that now includes more than 200 students, University of Washington fraternities announced that from now on they will be mandating all beer bongs be at least six feet long.
“We take coronavirus seriously here on UW’s Greek Row,” said Interfraternity Council President Brad Higgins. “That’s why we want to make sure that every group of 12 dudes we’ve got bunking together in the same room in a house that’s basically a younger, sloppier version of a nursing home are never chugging beers closer than six feet next to each other.”
Higgins said each fraternity member living on Greek Row has been supplied with a mask, hand sanitizer and six-foot PPE (Pilsner Pumping Equipment).
“Every PPE has been hand-measured to ensure proper beer chugging distance,” Higgins said. “We’ve also sent out instructional videos on how to properly disinfect PPE by irrigating it with the cheapest vodka you can find. We know it’s a pity for even an ounce of Stoli not to be spent on your next blackout, but what we value more than sowing the seeds of alcoholism is public safety.”
At press time, UW’s Panhellenic Association confirmed that sororities would also be handing out PPEs to ensure both proper beer and White Claw-chugging distance.
