Standing outside his dusty ranch just off Interstate 90, Samuel Dunn confirmed to reporters this afternoon that “The South shall rise again” despite never having traveled farther than an hour beyond Moses Lake in his entire life.
“If you’ve got ears, you can hear those dog whistles assurin’ us ol’ Dixie is soon to reclaim her former glory,” said Dunn, 41, who has never stepped foot in another state, let alone a southern region of the U.S. located 2,000 miles away. “As someone whose only fathomable connection to the South is a Confederate flag waving on my property, I know what I’m talking about.”
Despite never having been as far as Seattle or the Idaho state line, Dunn said that he knew with absolute certainty that the part of the country that made COVID-catching parties a thing would soon be leading us all to a brighter future.
“Mark my words,” Dunn said as he closed the press conference. “I will live to see the day when the Confederacy is back to offer every poor white man like me a less than .000001% chance of playing rich asshole plantation owner and a better than 99% chance of inescapable life-long poverty.”
