Ahead of Wednesday night’s Vice Presidential debate in Salt Lake City, Utah, career prosecutor and current U.S. Senator of California Kamala Harris proved on social media that she has quite the domestic side too as she shared her personal recipe for Roast Pence.
“Oh, I know my way around a kitchen, especially when it comes to Roast Pence,” said Harris, sharpening knives in her chef’s apron. “You’d be surprised how interesting I can make even a bland piece of meat resembling an albino Brick Tamland. I’m quite the foodie, actually.”
Harris’ husband Douglas Emhoff confirmed his wife’s unparalleled skill for not only roasting, but grilling and skewering Grade A Republican rumps.
“No one in our house can do it quite like her,” said Emhoff. “I tried shishkebabing Ted Cruz myself last month for a nice family Sunday dinner, but that slug slipped right out of my hands.”
Harris said she hopes that by sharing her personal recipe, everyone can cook a fine Roast Pence for dinner together with her tonight. Without further ado, the senator’s recipe:
Kamala’s Roast Pence
1 Corn-fed Rump Roast Pence
3 Tablespoons Jerk Seasoning
2 Tablespoons Worstest-Hire Sauce
1 Tsp. Salt to taste
- First, tenderize flesh a bit by hammering it with a few hard questions. Feel free to pepper them as you wish. A few of my suggested favorites are, “How many laws do you know of that govern a man’s body?” and “Why does your wife need to have you on that tight of a leash? Do you really lack that much self-discipline? What’s going on there?’
- Now you mix the jerk seasoning with the Worstest-Hire sauce and let it marinate in its own filth for at least 20 minutes. Don’t be afraid to get salty with it here.
- Dump the meat in a pan and put in an oven set for 350 degrees.
- Just when it thinks it’s not going to get any hotter, turn up the heat to 400 for 10 minutes.
- In last five minutes, broil until bronzed color of the president, but much more evenly all over.
- Take out of the oven, let rest for five minutes, then slice it open and share, share, share.
- Optional: Cut into smaller pieces and skewer and/or fry up to heart’s desire.
