After months of eating junk and binge-watching Netflix on his couch, one doughy local man says he’s been blindsided by the sudden and simultaneous emergence of summer and Phase 2 reopening.
“When Inslee declared Phase 1.5, I thought he was doing that slow count thing my parents did, you know: Phase 1, Phase one and a half, Phase one and three quarters—but then he dove in straight to Phase 2!” said Ravenna resident Brent Moss, digging through a pile of pizza boxes for his yoga mat. “I thought we all agreed to hide our pale, unsightly forms until there was a vaccine or the nation collectively got bored and decided to ignore the problem. I’ve been mainlining homemade sourdough and Molly Moon’s for four months now, and I’m just expected to transform my body overnight? Who do I look like, Christian Bale?”
While some Seattle residents were caught off-guard by the transition to Phase 2 just in time for outdoor summer recreation, Governor Jay Inslee had reportedly been preparing for this eventuality for months.
“While the gullible people of Seattle were wasting away on their couches, I was secretly working out in my home gym getting swole as fuck!” said Governor Inslee, tearing his sensible charcoal grey suit in half, revealing his oiled, muscular body. “For months all I wanted was for you all to objectify me like the other Governors. ‘Oh Governor Cuomo you’re so hot, I’m totally Cuomosexual for you’. Well now Jay Inslee is the hot one! That’s right, crawl out of your caverns and expose your pale flesh to the summer weather. As your gut is spilling out of your Under Armor top while you flail about on a rapidly sinking paddleboard, you can find your bronze God doing epic pull-up sets in front of his adoring masses at Green Lake.”
Following his latest swole sesh at the lake, the Governor announced he would now like to be referred to as Governor Bae Inslee.
