With hopes that a cancelled season could have been their best yet dashed by a delayed schedule beginning July 24, the Seattle Mariners organization said they’re fully prepared to pretend the pandemic is the only thing keeping fans away this year.
“It’s not that we’re the only Major League Baseball team to have never gone to the World Series, let alone win it,” said team general manager Jerry Dipoto. “It’s not that there’s a Pacific Garbage Patch-sized trash heap of pitchers we haven’t been able to rely on for years, that it rains so much here, or that getting to the playoffs alone might literally blow our fans’ minds. The reason there will be a minimum radius of 10 empty seats between each group in the stands is definitely going to be the pandemic.”
Dipoto said he’s also ready to praise the few Mariner fans who sit in the stands as the most responsible baseball fans in the league.
“Who needs the Commissioner’s Trophy when you’ve got a steady base of fans who respect social distancing measures so well they’re expected to leave about three times the required amount of space between each other?” Dipoto asked. “Our fans are true to the blue and public health guidelines. Seriously, what more could a team ask for other than a few, I mean, just one – ONE – championship title? Not much, I’ll tell ya.”
Gracious fans across the Seattle area agreed they would not only also pretend the pandemic is what’s keeping them away from attending games, but continue to pretend that the Mariners having a moose for a mascot has ever made any sense at all.
