After months of publicly trashing The Postal Service, President Donald Trump announced that he’s appointed multi-million-dollar campaign donor Louis DeJoy as the Seattle band’s new lead singer.
“Their profits have been falling for far too long – they haven’t even toured since 2013,” said Trump when pressed at an afternoon media briefing. “Under the trusted watch of a fellow political con-man I will pardon no matter how criminal his singing voice is, this group’s success will finally reach such great heights even its ousted former lead singer Ben Gibbard will lift his bangs to see how he could do nothing better.”
DeJoy, a former political and public relations strategist who was also recently appointed to run the U.S. Postal Service, said he’s excited about several new initiatives including a line of Clark Gable postal stamps.
“After graciously accepting these appointments, it is my deepest desire that from now on there be no sleeping in – only waking at 5 a.m. in a cold panic sweat about what the president has tweeted about Mail-in voting overnight,” said DeJoy in a statement. “The District will not sleep at all tonight and neither shall we! Especially once you get a chilling, potentially Covid-laced taste of me singing Recycled Air.”
Saying this country feels like a prison becoming a silhouette of its former self, Gibbard said he’s already busy writing a natural anthem for a brand new colony where “everything is exactly how it seems and people are rewarded for treating others as they’d like to be treated, obeying stop signs, curing diseases and mailing letters with the address of the sender.”
At press time, bandmates Jenny Lewis and Jimmy Tamborello were relieved to be promptly replaced with Kellyane Conway and Sean Spicer.
