Longtime Seattle meteorologist Cliff Mass said he was utterly astounded that his trusty weather radar did not pick up on an obvious incoming shitstorm that hit the same night his blog’s local forecast compared vandalism occurring alongside Black Lives Matter protests to Nazi Germany’s precursor to the Holocaust, Kristallnacht.
KNKX promptly fired Mass for his inaccurate report, leading the local weather man wondering where it all went wrong.
“Gosh, what’s gotten into this thing,” said Mass as he walked up to and kicked a local weather radar in shit-stained clothes. “Thing picked up on the high temperatures, sunny days and a rainy Thursday, but for some reason completely didn’t tell me a shitstorm was coming the same night I associated the breaking of a few Old Navy and Chase National Bank windows to a fascist night of horrors that ended with 7,000 Jewish businesses destroyed, 30,000 Jewish people arrested, as well as countless murders, rapes and suicides.”
When KNKX and former fans could not forgive the faulty weather forecast, Mass lamented everyone’s lack of mercy for a little oversight as an example of cancel culture going too far.
“Look, weather isn’t a perfect science and we weathermen don’t always get it right, especially if our radar isn’t working right,” Mass said. “I can’t perfectly forecast what’s going to happen every time there’s a warm front, cold front or an irrational compulsion to compare the events of an overdue civil rights movement to the actions of the most racist and sadistic fascist regime that ever existed.”
At press time, Mass said he was busy analyzing a new set of weather radar readings indicating this weekend’s forecast calls for record high temperatures, global warming and unemployment that definitely exists but is nothing to worry about for right now.
