In what many are calling a world-shattering discovery, archaeologists in England have unearthed a series of massive, ancient 5G towers that have been determined to be solely responsible for the Black Plague that ravaged Europe in the 14th century.
“Great Scott! The truth was in front of the slouched spectacles perched upon our noses the whole time — we were just too busy sewing leather patches onto our tweed jackets to see it!” said Bertrand Sessler, Professor of Archaeology at the University of Washington. “Now it all just makes so much sense: There is no way that an illness the magnitude of the Black Plague could have been propagated without the amplifying effect of 5G towers. Imagine the terror these people must have felt, unaware of the healing effects of even something even as rudimentary as a potato detox, let alone the purifying power of essential oils—those poor bastards never stood a chance. I just thank God that they hadn’t invented vaccines yet or civilization as we know it might have been snuffed out right then and there.”
While traditional academics and archaeologists alike were stunned by the groundbreaking discovery, many investigative mythologists couldn’t help but scoff as the world finally came around to the glaringly obvious conclusions they had already posted on YouTube months ago.
“You can track the spread of the Black Death back to two deep state actors: Bill Gates and the Chinese,” said Art Jones, editor and sole author of The Freethinking Peoples of America Quarterly. “When did the Black Plague reach England? 1349. What are the 13th, 4th and 9th letters of the alphabet? MDI. Microsoft Did It. The Silk Road was a front! Bill Gates’s ancestors were working with the Chinese to move the materials they needed to construct these 5G towers piece by piece, hidden in satchels of black tea and peppercorn. The Silk Road was at its peak right when the black plague was ravaging Europe. Which country also had 100 thousand Black Plague deaths? England. Where were Bill Gates’ ancestors from? That’s right, England. Follow the clues. Illuminati, shorten that to ill. What intent does the Illuminati have for mankind? Ill will. Will is short for William, and what name is derived from William? Bill. Bill Gates. It all just adds up, man.”
A coalition of investigative mythologists hope to now crowdsource funding to probe the Chicxulub Crater, thought to be the impact site of the meteor that caused the mass extinction of the dinosaurs by fake news scientists, where they also expect to find traces of ancient 5G towers and Chinese five-spice.
