Inspired by the Seattle Police Department’s retreat from what is now known as the autonomous zone of Free Capitol Hill, the more than century-old Free Ballard movement has declared victory itself tonight after violently threatening the department with lutefisk.
“We’ve wanted liberation from Seattle proper since they annexed us in 1907,” said Free Ballard President Dag Anders. “We didn’t know how easy it would be until we saw SPD’s reaction to a few umbrellas, bottles and candles on Capitol Hill. So we thought we’d toss ‘em some of Norway’s finest pickled fish export, lutefisk. Worked like a charm! You should have seen the horror—the horror!—in their eyes.”
Norwegian parents and grandparents across the neighborhood approached police with plates of the gelatinous cod dish at such a velocity, SPD officers were seen sprinting to patrol cars and speeding off without so much as a flash-bang.
“We’ve been eating lutefisk for decades, so we could have taken anything they could throw at us, but we lucked out!” Anders said, raising a shot of Aquavit. “Now Durkan, your glacially slow street-improvement projects, and police mafia are all your problem now, Seattle – good luck with that!”
Anders said Free Ballard’s first order of business is to lure back adult children and grandchildren chased off years ago also by threats of not only lutefisk, but sursild, finnbiff and smalahove.
