After spring closures due the COVID-19 pandemic, the reopened Tulalip Resort Casino announced today that this summer’s guests can now look forward to risking everything just by entering the building.
“It used to take betting the whole house to destroy your family’s lives, but not anymore,” said casino spokesman Ted Ricks. “If you’re not willing to throw it all away over a hand of low-stakes black jack, then we don’t want you here. Our government-mandated slot machine payouts are the same, but the risks are higher than ever.”
Although all events have been canceled, bars and poker rooms are open for business.
“Now you can go all-in and really mean it!” Ricks said.
To allow for proper social distancing, all players are still being asked to take at least a step back from all gaming tables before taking a smoke break.
“We wouldn’t want everyone here inhaling something bad for their lungs,” coughed cardroom manager Bill Gaskins. “Just because this facility still has no non-smoking area doesn’t mean we don’t care about your health at all.”
Already bustling with 65+ year-old clientele hungry for more danger, Ricks says the casino plans to step up its gambling offerings next month by reopening the buffet.
