In an afternoon press conference, Seattle Police Union President Mike Solan said his force will no longer stand for the “unfair and inequitable” worship of firefighters simply because they tend to be infinitely more physically attractive, courageous, talented, helpful, and likable.
“It’s time to end a bias that exists just because these public servants stay in shape and don’t literally get away with murder of innocent people on a regular basis,” said Solan. “It’s July and the only people who have bought our 2020 swimsuit calendars are our wives because they know what would happen if they didn’t. We will no longer stand for this abuse!”
As of today, Solan says all officers will be allowed to ask on-demand for proof that Seattle residents are following at least one police officer on Instagram and liked at least 75 percent of their posts.
The department has also issued subpoenas to several local media outlets for all photographic proof of anyone rolling their eyes and gagging in the presence of a police officer.
“We will be fighting this every step of the way,” said Seattle Times legal counsel Chris Roberts. “It’s the general public’s First Amendment right to hate the fuck out of people who prove again and again real public safety is not their priority while avoiding real accountability at every turn. And it’s media outlets’ First Amendment right to not be forced into being an extended PR and investigative appendage to the police. You want to be liked? Save a kitten from a tree with your shirt off instead of doing shit like this, you numbnuts.”
Asked if she could do anything to stop the Seattle Police Department from requesting several things that seem pretty fucking unconstitutional, Mayor Jenny Durkan threw up her hands.
“What? What? I can’t hear what you’re saying,” said Durkan hiding inside her multi-million dollar home. “Play nice everyone! I need to hop on a Zoom happy hour call and knock back a few bottles of red with my bestie, Police Chief Carmen Best.”
