As people increasingly dump zoom calls with grandma for Cameo, a website where users pay celebrities to send them personalized video messages, a few local stars have become crowd favorites in the Seattle area. We caught up with the top ten:
10. Squatch: The Seattle SuperSonics mascot may have been retired since the team was renamed and relocated to Oklahoma City in 2008, but Squatch tells fans in video messages he’s still got a lot going on here in the Emerald City. “Me, Mariner Moose and UW’s Dubs are launching a live film-noir-themed burlesque show online next week – don’t miss it!”
9. Dave Matthews: Frontman for the band that made classic hits like “Crash Into Me” and “Where Are You Going,” says he’d been loving filming Cameo messages until he learned he only made #9 on this list. “Are you fucking kidding me? Do you know who I am? A Grammy-winner for fuck’s sake … I really didn’t even make it past former Seattle Mayor Greg Nickels? Jesus Christ. FML.”
8. Microsoft Clippy: Once Microsoft’s faithful Office Assistant who showed new users how to get around their computer programs, Cameo users have been excited to see the animated paperclip again since he was discontinued more than a decade ago. “After a few years in therapy, those people-pleasing days are behind me. But if you’re willing to pay me $7.50 a video message pop, I’m all yours, mamacita. What do you want me to show you next?”
7. Duff McKagan: Former bass guitarist for Guns N’ Roses says now that so few people get to hear his soothing, velveteen voice warn people at SeaTac about reporting abandoned luggage, he’s taken to Cameo to connect with people there. “Guys, I know we’re going through tough times, but don’t worry. Someday we’ll all be stuck at SeaTac like old times wondering why the hell my voice is coming out of the intercom.”
6. Bertha: Once the world’s largest underground boring machine, Bertha says she’s overjoyed fans haven’t forgotten her since she built the SR 99 Tunnel under downtown Seattle. “They’re begging me to come back and build another tunnel to West Seattle, but I am so done with the city. Gives me such a headache. I’m more into boring adorable train tunnels in the mountains now.”
5. Tom Douglas: The local restauranteur may have had to close his many downtown eateries during the pandemic, but that’s left plenty of time to share some mini-cooking lessons on Cameo. “See this? See these cooking skills? See this Dahlia Lounge black cod? Only I get to eat it now – just me, suckers! MUAHAHHAHA .. mmmmm. Oh, that’s the stuff.”
4. Starbucks Mermaid: Not to be mistaken for a cam-girl, this topless local celebrity says her Cameo account is all about combining the magic of meeting your favorite barista and sea wench at the same time. “I was missing the daylong photoshoots where all I had to do was make sure my long hair was still barely covering my nipples. It’s nice to be able to do that again through Cameo.”
3. Former Seattle Mayor Greg Nickels: Once widely resented for his handling of a city-paralyzing blizzard, former Seattle Mayor Greg Nickels says he’s suddenly seen a surge in his popularity this last month. “I don’t think a lot of people are fans of Mayor Jenny Durkan letting the Seattle Police Department shoot off weapons like tear gas, flash bangs and rubber bullets as thoughtlessly as a bunch of teenagers firing off illegal fireworks at 1 a.m. That snowpocalypse doesn’t seem so bad now, does it?”
2. Fremont Troll: Longtime landmark Fremont Troll says the number one thing his Cameo clients request is video of him eating a fresh batch of VW bugs. “I keep a bowl of colorful VW bug car toys handy and just munch on those while I say hello. It’s not as interactive as having people crawl all over my body, but it’s something.”
1. Dan Savage: The local sex advice columnist and gay rights activist says most people requesting videos from him just want him to look in their eyes and tell them “it gets better.” “You want Savage Love? Here it is: It gets better if you wear a fucking mask and vote blue no matter who. If you don’t, go fuck yourself with a 20-inch spiked dildo lubed up with coronavirus-infected saliva, you sick motherfucker.”
