Despite months of working so far away from each other, local office project manager Steve Hobbs says he can’t wait to hover over your cubicle at least 40 hours a week again.
“The time is nigh — I can feel it through our shared Excel sheets,” said Hobbs, longingly looking out the office window of what was once a bustling beige beehive. “Things are beginning to open up again and I feel like it’s only a matter of time until corporate mandates we leverage our best practices and synergize mano-a-mano again. Exciting, right?!”
Although you seemed to have somehow gotten a lot of work done from home during quarantine just fine without being in the same location five days a week from at least 9 to 5, Hobbs says he knows the employees he manages miss physically spending time in pointless meetings together.
“Zoom calls, it’s just like, your cute dog or cat is always snuggling up to you – what is this? A work love triangle?” Hobbs said with a weak laugh. “Even when I instant message people and text, sometimes it takes minutes—full minutes!—for people to respond. Maybe when we get back together we can try one of those collaborative open office spaces so I don’t even have to walk over to your cubicle for you to feel my eyes on the back of your neck. Wouldn’t that be nice?”
At press time, an e-mail entitled “Per my last e-mail sent five minutes ago” from your micromanager has entered your inbox. Due to the time you were inaccessible while reading this report, it contains a bunch of passive aggressive shit meant to ruin the rest of your day. Experts claim it’s best left unopened until tomorrow morning.
