The build-up to a local man’s much-anticipated goal of spring cleaning his home climaxed today with the sobering realization that there now isn’t enough time to do it until the next world-halting pandemic.
“Just wish I had a little more time, but it looks like summer and the nation-wide illusion that the pandemic is over officially starts tomorrow,” said Ryan Palmer, nudging a pizza box under the couch with his foot. “I really wanted to crawl underneath the oven for a deep clean, but I still need to watch all of Insecure Season 4 and I’ve just got so much sourdough left to eat. Sure, I’ve had an endless amount of free time alone in my home since March, but shouldn’t I enjoy phase 1.75 while it lasts? The second wave is just around the corner, and I think I’ll be ready to cozy up with Mr. Clean again by cuffing season.”
Palmer’s housemate Wesley Aldin says he is less relaxed to hear about the deep-clean’s postponement since the kitchen’s labyrinth of hoarded toilet paper has prevented either of them from finding the sink for weeks.
“At first we thought we were getting one over on all these rubes by stuffing almost every inch of our home with silky, 4-ply white gold,” said Wesley, forcefully closing a bulging closet door. “We soon realized that our stash was fool’s gold, destined to drag us down to the depths of cushiony, eggshell-white padded hell. What was once a beautiful craftsman home is now a toilet paper prison. Lord knows where my cat Sassy is in this godforsaken Charmin-hole. In my more desperate moments, I pray that I pull a roll of load-bearing Brawny and end our pillowy nightmare once and for all.”
At press time, The Needling confirmed Sassy had indeed crawled to freedom by shredding through five feet of Quilted Northern Ultra Plush, the equivalent of 13 regular rolls and just shy of half a jumbo pack.
