Police departments nationwide announced today that everyone now has something better to focus on than the countless and inexcusable murders their most heartless officers are almost never held accountable for – their new mascot: Malfie the Conveniently Malfunctioning Body Camera!
The friendly new mascot, known for his charming oopsies and frequent malfunctions, made his debut today at a Minneapolis Police Department-hosted press conference attended by several local children.
“In lieu of spending our surging police budgets on frivolities like reform, training, or anti-corruption initiatives, we felt it was important to indoctrinate the next generation of citizens with a fun new friend,” said Minneapolis PD spokesperson Sgt. Bert Darby. “Though imperfect, Malfie also wants community members to know no other video recording of police activity is necessary on their cell phones. Our boys in blue are busy being judge, jury, and executioner as they identify the unarmed person of color who has it coming next. Malfie did you record all of that? You didn’t? Oh, Malfie!”
Following his inspiring speech, Sgt. Darby stepped aside to introduce Malfie, who appeared from behind the raised hood of a police cruiser to address his captive audience.
“Everyone put your hands up for your new pal, Malfie! I SAID LET ME SEE YOUR HANDS!” shrieked the cartoonish mascot, flailing his arms. “In today’s topsy-turvy world, it can be hard to tell right from wrong. Well I got two simple words to help you out: Don’t S.H.A.R.E. What’s that stand for? Safety Heroes Against Recorded Enforcement. Picture this: Officer Chauvinist is carefully resting his weary knee on the bulging, muscular neck of a non-violent criminal for seven minutes and he dies. You share the video for everyone to see. It gets a bunch of people real sad and mad. Oh no! That’s a great big mess of red tape for Officer Chauvinist! Remember boys and girls, if you’re walking down the street and witness an itty bitty little police scuffle, what should you do with your camera phones? That’s right – turn them off! I’ve got it handled. Probably. Maybe. Who with enough privilege even cares? Show you care about your local police, and Don’t S.H.A.R.E.”
Following the rally, the beloved mascot allegedly mistook a sharpie for a gun and assaulted a young boy asking for his autograph, prompting his immediate placement on paid administrative leave. Filling in for Malfie will be his mascot friend, Redactly, who attacks enemy public record requests for body cam videos with so many redactions the released records are rendered powerless!
