Although national Republican leadership are against expanding vote-by-mail access that could reduce virus transmission while increasing participation in this November’s presidential election, all announced today their support for an alternative vote-by-male system.
“We, too, can seem like humans who care about public health and democracy — that is why today we are announcing legislation for a new vote-by-male process,” said Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell this morning. “Rather than lady voterettes going to the polls in-person to risk the delicate state of their humors in the process, simply tell your husband or guardian whom you wish to vote for, pass off the information via U.S. male, and then go about your daily household chores as usual. He will then promptly forget as soon as he steps outside and votes for whomever likes pro wrestling as much as he does to ensure the strength of this great nation.”
McConnell said he is particularly interested in helping more black women vote by male after more than 94 percent of their vote nationwide went to Hillary Clinton in 2016.
“It was a close call, and that number was obviously rigged – that can’t be right. Why on Earth would it be that high?” McConnell said. “A vote-by-male system would ensure a much larger portion of those votes go where they’re supposed to this fall: President Donald Trump, some lame third-party candidate, or an unfortunate run-in with the police.”
President Donald Trump’s tweets extolling the virtues of the new proposals as “huge progress” for democracy were then fact-checked by Twitter, which attached to his posts articles proving any hope of actual societal progress ever happening again requires getting Trump out of the White House as soon as fucking possible.
