The COVID-19 pandemic has claimed yet another beloved, annual tradition—the Cougar Mountain Summer Retreat—leaving housewives across Bellevue devastated in its wake.
Cancellation of the long-awaited week of Chardonnay-drinking while watching young men chop firewood came as a blow to Cindy Zamperin, who’s been organizing the event for exhausted Eastside housewives with perpetually absent husbands for years.
“I created the Cougar Mountain Summer Retreat to get just one week away from these three little leaches instead of dragging them to the Bravern every day,” said Zamperin. “Now, in addition to the retreat being cancelled, I basically have another child to keep my eye on — their forcibly quarantined father. He put cream cheese on the bagel before putting it in the toaster this morning and didn’t do much better in bed last night. But the retreat’s entire 100-crate supply of wine in the cellar sure is helping.”
Funds raised from various charitable bets at the retreat this year were slated to polish up new posts for nearby Mailbox Peak.
“I was really looking forward to seeing who was going to stuff our mailbox this summer,” Zamperin said. “Guess there’s just not going to be as many young, sweaty, strapping men climbing our peaks this year … Honey, did you already jam the toaster again? Goddamnit!”
