Those on the long waitlist for heart transplants are in for a shock: Swedish Hospital just announced today that it will be rolling out its innovative do-it-yourself heart transplant kit program as soon as next week.
“We looked at how the cost of our unhealthy, overly-demanding patients continuously eats away at our bottom line – especially when our pesky nurses keep asking and striking for fair living wages and higher quality patient care. And don’t get me started on these coronavirus victims,” said new Swedish Hospital Director Dr. Dude Hutsen, formerly of Amazon Care. “So we decided, hey – why not get rid of the middle medical professional and have these patients install their new hearts themselves?”
After signing the waiver and paying the $5,000 copay on the Swedish Hospital App, patients can choose from a variety of different hearts that suit their needs. The heart transplant prep kit comes in environmentally-friendly chilled packaging and is delivered straight to the customer within 48 hours of leaving the Amazon Organ Services distribution center.
“Simply scan the code on the instructions using your smartphone, and watch the 15-minute tutorial video of the procedure,” Dr. Hutsen explained. “Basically, take the anesthetic that comes in the kit, make the incision in your chest, remove your old heart, pop in the new one, and re-attach the blood vessels. Sew it back up and you’re done, simple as that!”
The transplant kit also comes with a two-year warranty and pre-paid packaging to return the old diseased heart which will then be refurbished and resold to some other poor, unsupecting motherfucker.
