Seattle, WA – A Carnival Freedom cruise ship struck a large trashberg of Lysol wipes floating in the middle of Puget Sound this afternoon, raining down chunks of wipes containing single-use band-aids, latex and Dick’s wrappers onto screaming passengers.
The ship reportedly struck the slimy, floating carcass of litter starboard-side.
“Aye, we warned ye land squirrels not to be a’throwin’ this stuff down the pipes,” said First Officer Craig Muldoon, by radio. “Now we’re swamped and foundering fast. SOS, SOS! Save Our Stocks!”
Local University of Washington marine field station experts have been monitoring the situation continuously.
“It appears that with the increased daily overuse of Lysol wipes by millions of residents across the region, each flushed wipe bonded together with another, creating a giant and unstoppable ball of gunk ready to unfurl on whatever dared come near it,” said UW Oceanographer Brad Ryerson. “It was only a matter of time before a ship the size of a skyscraper on its side eventually struck it and became fully slathered in its ghastly contents.”
At press time, local officials were also responding to incoming reports of giant latex glove tumbleweeds attacking idiots who have been casually littering used gloves everywhere.
