According to the latest data sets recorded over the last few weeks, researchers are confirming Mountlake Terrace resident Gerald Pataki, 34, is getting laid at about the same rate now as before the virus.
Sources studying the bachelor including friend Skye Harris say that Pataki was averaging at least one to two dates a fiscal quarter before the virus, including the times he’s been ghosted and stood up.
“Many of us in committed relationships are suddenly getting shockingly more action these days than we ever thought possible while those who were successfully dating and playing the field saw a sudden drop off in access to the aforementioned action,” said Harris in a detailed PowerPoint presentation earlier today. “Meanwhile, our friend Gerald has remarkably been able to sustain a surprising sense of normalcy as the lack of current action he’s getting right now mirrors the lack of action he was getting before the arrival of covid-19 almost exactly.”
Harris points to potential anti-body habits his friend has sustained over the years for his sex life’s immunity to change during a global pandemic.
“So far, we’re hypothesizing consuming a daily bag of Doritos while scrolling Tinder instead of working out has helped him sustain a consistent rate of not getting laid for quite some time,” Harris said. “There are also several other habits that seem to repel other bodies altogether, including ending almost every text message with “LOL,” displaying photos obviously from 2013 on his online dating profiles, and calling the Volunteer Park sculpture that inspired Sound Garden’s Black Hole Sun “Black Butthole.”
As word of plans to end stay-at-home orders develop, those studying Pataki’s sex life project its activity to stay the same for as long as his only online pickup lines remain “Hi,” “Wow, what a beautiful smile,” and unsolicited dick pics.
