Wilmington, Delaware – In a statement livestreamed from the depths of his basement office, Joe Biden vowed today to unite both progressive and moderate wings of the Democratic Party with what many are considering an ambitious agenda and bold campaign platform from 1973.
“On Day 1 of the Biden Presidency, I will immediately authorize the withdrawal of American troops from Vietnam – absolutely no questions asked,” stated Biden looking confidently into the camera lens. “I will also pursue an aggressive agenda to stop this wasteful arms race against the Soviets. And I will ask Prime Minister Thatcher to work with me on creating a global peace treaty once she gets out of the hospital.”
Biden also spoke about how to improve quality of life here at home.
“Our democracy is under attack — we are battling for the very soul of this nation,” Biden said. “I vow to do everything in my power to make sure that every American has access to environmentally sustainable horseless carriages and high-speed color TVs so everyone can watch the Knicks defeat Wilt Chamberlain in the Finals.”
With the camera still rolling, Biden looked at his wristwatch, and asked an aide if Spudnuts was still open.
