We here at The Needling knew our first political endorsement during our Decide for Me 2020 coverage would be kind of a big deal. As Seattle’s only real fake news, we know our credibility is everything to readers who, quite frankly, are merely wayward sheep with no idea what to do with their vote should we not tell them exactly what to do with it.
That’s why we’re going a step beyond all the meme accounts that posted branded content last week paid for by Democratic presidential primary candidate and former mayor of New York City, billionaire Michael Bloomberg: We’re officially endorsing him for President in 2020.
Why? Because he gave us a lot of money … like a lot of it. And let’s just say there’s more where that came from.*
We know this may ruffle a few feathers because of all the talk about how racist he is. Or how sexist he is. But he’s so much more. And he’s definitely paying us enough to give a shit about that.
For instance, he’s actually kind of funny, guys! At least when he pays people to make it seem that way. Check out the recent sponsored posts on accounts like @middleclassfancy!
Remember all those times someone made a cruel comment to seemingly cut you down and reassert their superiority over you, but then they said it was actually just a joke and you were being really sensitive and need to get over it already because that was like 15 seconds ago? And you were like, wow, that’s what’s happening here? You were just lovingly testing my gullibility levels? Oops! And thanks.
It’s kind of the same thing here with Bloomberg. So if you’ve fallen into the trap of being all dramatic about the rising exposure of another openly racist, sexist billionaire who is blatantly buying his way into elections and debate stages nationwide, take a look at some of those sponsored memes and maybe try being more chill and less easily offended by him for a change. Stop and frisk was just for fun.
Most politicians, Democrat or Republican, never apologize anyway. Bloomberg does the next best thing: Directly pays us – ordinary, everyday Americans – out of his own pocket to shut us the fuck up about his past and present. It’s the most refreshing quality we’ve seen in a candidate in ages.
Bloomberg is also known for pouring his billions into great causes, billions he made as a media and real estate magnate who mourns the days when neighborhoods were red-lined. Now he wants to selflessly rescue us from the unprecedented $1 trillion national deficit already accrued by the Trump administration with what we can only imagine is his own money.
Okay, so you really want to know how much he paid us? Drum roll … $150, dude! That’s the most money we’ve ever made despite having thousands of followers! Is it blowing your mind? It’s blowing ours!
If there’s anything we haven’t seen in United States history yet, it’s a rich businessman elected to national public office who leaves it with a legacy of an economically thriving society. Wouldn’t it be cool to finally see that happen?! It’s already time to give another one a chance.
Let’s do it, America. Vote Bloomberg 2020.
*Endorsement actually sponsored by The Needling. Support us on Patreon.
