A peaceful day of tidying up was interrupted this afternoon when international minimalist sensation Marie Kondo witnessed a pickup truck hauling a 10-foot high tower of toilet paper, prompting her to shed a tear so powerful it’s sending shockwaves worldwide.
“The purpose of the Konmari Method is to live a life that sparks joy, not only by simplifying your surroundings, but also by not wantonly hoarding supplies others need. Sadly, it appears that some of you motherfuckers weren’t paying attention,” said Kondo as she folded her hands with a warm smile. “My message to the driver is simple: If you do not reconsider, I will be given no choice but to find you and forcibly Konmari your selfish cache of home goods and cheerfully redistribute them to those who will find more joy in their purpose.”
A trail of toilet paper led to the home of Dustin Baker, who had been tirelessly hoarding sanitary wipes, hand sanitizer, and ramen noodles for the past few weeks.
“Dude, I think Marie Kondo just robbed me,” said Baker, staring at a broken padlock and the empty garden shed that once housed 1,500 rolls of toilet paper. “I mean, I think it was her: This tiny Japanese lady showed up at my door and started sorting my apocalypse stash into neat little piles on my floor. I had 200 gallons of hand sanitizer, 300 packages of Clorox wipes … she only left me with a completely sensible fraction of that. Then she took the time to personally thank all the stuff she stole from me, told me that this experience sparked an immense amount of joy for her, and drove off. It’s nice to see my carpet again, but what the fuck, man?”
Baker’s cleaning products reportedly turned up at a series of local hospitals and homeless shelters, where their arrival sparked some much-needed joy.
