Concerns are mounting that Seattle’s long-held reputation for being full of unwelcoming, anti-social assholes is in danger following reports that at least one introvert-friendly transplant has infiltrated the city.
Sara Nielson said she unknowingly came into contact with the new strain of transplant earlier this winter, and has heard she is sustaining deeply fulfilling and intimate friendships with as much as five people at a time.
“She’s so great at being okay with very intermittent one-on-one hangout sessions and avoiding parties like the plague — I never would have known she’s all the way from Ohio,” Nielson said of the only such transplant officially identified thus far, Cerena Vickers. “I know she sounds kind of scary because we don’t know yet what she’s full capable yet, but honestly I’ve been fine so far. I’m just worried she might end up liking us and the city so much she spreads word to her out-of-state friends that this is a great place to live.”
Nielson says symptoms of exposure to her new friend have included voluntarily inviting her to watch movies and have deep conversations about things that really matter.
“Tonight I was feeling kind of worn out but still wanted chill company, so I asked if she wanted to come over and watch the debate under a few blankets with some homemade kombucha at my place,” Nielson said. “Without even asking me, she knew exactly when I couldn’t stand looking at Pete Buttigieg’s face anymore and changed what we were watching to Shrill on Hulu.”
Though Nielson says she thinks she’ll survive the infectious transplant, she’s not so sure how the Seattle Freeze — the city’s last defense against out-of-state invasion — will fare.
“I’m getting strong indications Cerena’s persuaded a bunch of other nice people from out of state to move here. There’s no telling how many locals will unknowingly end up hanging out with them, enjoying their company, and accidentally revealing we’re just a bunch of easily socially-drained introverts who aren’t so bad after all … as long as you keep your damn umbrella out of our face.”
