Customers of a local Safeway in Des Moines, Wash. were bewildered this afternoon when Democratic presidential candidate and former Vice President Joe Biden somehow wandered into the store offering free hugs and shoulder rubs.
“He kept on coming up to people saying ‘Our best days lie ahead, champ, if you vote for me on Feb. 3,’ but our primary isn’t until March 10, so …,” said longtime Des Moines resident Rita Porter. “Yeah, I think he was supposed to fly to Des Moines, Iowa and he just cannot get a clue. At least learn how to say our name right if you accidentally campaign and feel up on our people – it’s pronounced DUH MOINZ.”
Despite virtually emptying the store by dinnertime, Biden continued approaching anyone he could find while becoming increasingly desperate about the lack of enthusiastic reception.
“I’m here. This is a big fucking deal,” Biden whispered into the nape of one customer’s neck before they were seen running away back to their car. “C’mon, what is it? Why is everyone running away? Is it because I don’t support federally legalizing marijuana? Or finally started acting like I care about climate change just this week? Or make so many incoherent tangents at the debates it’s as if I’m just running out the clock on a game I already know I’ve won? Aww, let’s just hug this out, put aside all the malarkey and get a beer—just you and me, your Uncle Joe talking about what we love most: Corn farming, the Iowa State Cyclones and swing states.”
At press time, Biden’s aides said they had finally located him while attempting Reiki on ABC Convenience Grocery customers and report he is safely on a flight back to the Hawkeye State.
