Following a series of widely mocked billboards, targeted ads and sponsored memes, the Mike Bloomberg 2020 campaign has pivoted to its newest initiative, this time focused on seducing faithful Democrats with the raw, sexual magnetism dripping from every inch of his diminutive 5-foot-8-inch frame.
“Who’s ready to stop and risk it all for Mike Bloomberg?” the former New York mayor’s voice can be heard in a steamy new robo-call recording. “Already told your friends and family you were voting for Bernie, Warren or Biden? That’s okay. No one has to know if you plunge your vote deep into the ballot box for Daddy Bloomberg. It feels so naughty to cheat on your candidate with someone who routinely funds Republican campaigns, doesn’t it? I’m getting all hot and bothered just thinking about it. I’m rubbing $100 bills on my hard, perky nipples right now. You want this dirty money when I’m done rubbing it all over my sweaty, wrinkled, 78-year-old body? Yeah, I know you do, you naughty, naughty MARGARET HENSON OF BELLEVUE, WASHINGTON. Vote for me and I’ll have you on your knees begging for a second term.”
The campaign strategy pivot came after a series of initial primaries failed to secure the billionaire a single delegate, forcing the struggling candidate to resort to more risqué tactics that more truly capture the elderly candidate’s trademark tone deafness.
“We’ve dumped hundreds of millions into this campaign, and nothing seemed to be working,” said Bloomberg’s Washington State Campaign Director Darren Willoughby, photoshopping an aggressive bulge onto a photo from a campaign stop in Kirkland. “We were about to drop another $50 million on billboards, and then it hit me: Why not leverage the sweltering machismo that exudes from every pore of this cherubic little body? And just like that, the new ad campaign was born. In addition to the sexy robocalls, we’ve got the new Spotify playlist, ‘Mike Bloomberg Rocks Out with his Caucus Out’, and our ‘Democracy and Chill with Daddy Bloomberg’ contest on Facebook. Oh, but we saved the best for last. Once America sees Mike twerking on TikTok to Megan Thee Stallion? Well, let’s just say you can wrap this election up early. Come November, you’ll be saying hello to the ‘Commander in Cheeks’, President Bloomberg.”
To put a bow on his final campaign push, Bloomberg has reportedly commissioned Industrial Light and Magic to seamlessly insert the presidential candidate into a shot-for-shot remake of the 2012 male stripper extravaganza, now repackaged as Magic Mike Bloomberg.
