To stay competitive with tech giants like Google and Microsoft that offer free meals and massages, startups like local tech biz PhoneTap are offering more creative perks, including a wide selection of bottomless beer instead of health plan options.
“We said to ourselves, if we already know our insane workload will be chewing up these naive people’s sanity and spitting it out in two to three years tops, why would we invest in people’s health at all? One of these people could get Coronavirus and be of no use to us at all by tomorrow!” said Tom Rawlins, founder, CEO and Cost-Cutting Ninja-in-Chief. “Hopefully when we’ve turned enough employees into alcoholics for the company to go public, we can also tap out of paying into Medicare and Social Security by paying zero federal taxes à la Amazon.”
Rawlins says new hires appreciate the extra money and time they save by drowning their sorrows from the convenience of their own office desk.
“It also saves us the pretense of acting like we care about anything but squeezing as much as we legally can out of people while maximizing profits as much as possible for ourselves,” Rawlins said. “And by ‘ourselves,’ I mostly mean me.”
Added benefits of working at the company include a flexible work-at-home option if, and only if, the employee is expecting a delivery from Ikea. The company also offers unlimited vacation for anyone who wants time off while being promptly and permanently replaced.
