While many cities have taken more direct approaches to offloading their homeless problem to other cities such as providing bus tickets, Seattle has taken a unique yet unsurprisingly passive one: Placing a cardboard ‘Free’ sign on a Ballard homeless encampment in hopes that neighboring Portland might take it.
“Common law dictates that you can leave anything on the side of the road with impunity as long as you put a cardboard sign on it indicating that it’s free,” said Seattle Mayor Jenny Durkan. “Our citizens offload responsibility for things that are difficult to get rid of like barbecues and couches all the time, so why can’t we? Homeless community members displaced by economic inequity that we’ve failed to adequately provide a safety net for is basically the same thing as your rusty old barbeque, and it’s free! Who doesn’t like free stuff? Eh, Portland? Come on, a few more colorful tents would really brighten up the place!”
While Mayor Durkan patiently waits for Portland to solve the homelessness crisis, some Ballard residents are lobbying for a more aggressive solution to the controversial issue.
“Can’t they just get a bulldozer to, like, gently and respectfully push all that shit somewhere else?” said local resident Kevin Thatcher after shopping at PCC this morning. “Just do what you need to do – we’ll look the other way. It’s all we ever wanted Mike O’Brien to do.”
Thatcher said he wouldn’t mind if the quirky sofa left outside down the block for the last few months stays, though.
“Something kind of whimsical about an old, stained couch just sitting on a sidewalk – adds a lot of character! You think the Trash Cats have fun picnics on it at night when we’re asleep? That’s my name for the possums. What do you think the possums talk about? Probably silly possum things like ‘My Apple Core stocks rose 12% today!’ That’s fun to think about. Way more fun than giving a shit about how all these people became homeless, mentally unstable and addicted to drugs or a respectful solution to this tragic situation for us all. Please, please don’t make me think too hard about it or, God forbid, care. It hurts.”
The Ballard homeless encampment has since been swept to make room for a couch-based Trash Cat ‘Central Perk Cafe,’ now inhabited by ‘Poss Gellar’, ‘Joey Trashbiani’, and ‘Rabies Buffay’.
