A Seattle office has been torn apart today as the resident office dog, Mr. Puddles, was suspended from all adorable duties after committing a wanton HR violation in the middle of the sales floor.
“Look, Mr. Puddles was absolutely beloved around here, but HR policies are in place for a reason and he snubbed his wet nose at the rules since day one,” said one employee, who wished to remain anonymous due to the severe reprisals they feared would come as a whistleblower. “It’s bad enough that I have to look at his quivering butthole as he takes a shit in the courtyard on my smoke break, but now he’s loudly grooming himself and staring at me while I’m on a sales call? I can only take so much in my workplace.”
Mr. Puddles, a bloodhound-poodle mix, held twenty-two dog years tenure at the company, serving first as Vice President of Barketing before his subsequent promotion to Chief Fetch Officer.
“We created the Department of Hooman Resources as a cute nod to our furriest employee, but we never thought we’d have to follow-up on anything,” said Patricia Travis, Senior HR Manager. “If I ever find out which one of these sons of bitches snitched on Mr. Puddles, they’ll be making sales calls from his dog crate. He was five years from his gold Rolex collar and now he might be looking at the indignity of extremely expensive doggy daycare or god forbid, a walking service. Do these people have no mercy? Somebody already told him he’s a “bad dog” – isn’t that punishment enough?”
At press time, the company was quickly distancing itself from any association to Mr. Puddles while reportedly rushing to burn all personnel documents related to its Senior Squirrel Chaser, Mr. Shits.
