Seattle Public Library’s new policy of eliminating all late fees for overdue items that began on Jan. 2 is already expanding to paying anyone to read a goddamn book at all starting Feb. 2.
“If there’s anyone still left out there with the modicum of concentration skills it takes to read a few paper pages of literature not on an electronic screen, we’ll pay you to keep that skill alive,” said SPL’s Chief Librarian and Endangered Book Readers Conservationist, Donna Rosenbaum.
Novels will earn $5, history books $10, and any publication regarding mitigation of the climate crisis earns an entire city library in their name.
“They’ll have to complete a short 3-question quiz upon returning the book though, to make sure they actually read it,” Rosenbaum said. “If they fail the quiz, we take the money back. And if they already spent the money, a library associate will go to their house and light it on fire.”
For those unsure they are still capable of such mental feats, Rosenbaum says there’s definitely still a chance.
“Look, it takes a couple minutes for your brain to adjust to content that requires use of your own imagination – it’s no Disney-funded Avengers and Baby Yoda-themed Novocain needle to your mind. It’s better!” Rosenbaum said. “Only when reading books can you keep casting a young, bespectacled Michael Caine as the lead protagonist forever and ever.”
