Queen Anne, Seattle – The Seattle Grocery Store Wars are heating up again today as upscale retailer Metropolitan Market released “Prepared Friends To-Go,” a new service targeting 20 to 35-year-old tech transplants with no life outside work or their $4,000-a-month apartment full of folding chairs.
“We understand how hard it is living in Seattle with no friends, so we’re offering a flavorful variety of ready-to-order personalities specially catered to the busy tech crowd,” said Bryan Wadsworth, CEO of Metropolitan Market. “We know there’s no point attending another useless Meetup event on growth hacking. Plus it’s raining out, you’re hungry, and down to the last pair of sweatpants.”
Wadsworth said “Brad n’ Brews” is their top-seller so far.
“This bro’s always down to hang, a great wing-man, and has a knack for grilling — just add him into your weekly rotation for a more flavorful and fulfilling life,” Wadsworth said. “His sell-by date is good until 2025, which should give you enough time to either find a more organic friend or leave Seattle completely.”
But Wadsworth says the unanimous staff favorite is Sara Soy.
“She’s an English grad student, incredibly tidy, and a supportive friend ready to listen to all of your problems while never wasting your time with her own. She’s great with vegan recipes, unlimited emotional labor, and is an easy, versatile side for when your friends from home finally come to visit.”
Wadsworth hopes to add more products to the line in the future to fill the growing consumer void for meaningful relationships in Seattle, all while keeping things affordable.
“Our friend kits cost only $60 — less than a pint of Metropolitan Market organic ice cream,” Wadworth said. “Best of all, nearly all parts are either recyclable or compostable.”
