Despite unwritten Pacific Northwest fashion laws against putting obvious effort into an outfit for any reason other than hiking, biking or barista-ing, local coworker Tiffany Chestnut came to the office today wearing a dress and, sources confirm, mother-what-the-fucking-hell heels.
“It’s literally Monday,” said your favorite coworker Jane, who would never do something like this. “It’s not like she has a big meeting today. Those heels? Jesus Christ. Who is Tiffany trying to impress?”
Independent research by Jane reveals that Chestnut’s dress is from a local Moorea Seal boutique and was ordered by her 22-year-old assistant, River.
“I don’t know dude, she just asked me to order it to the office,” River monotoned while on a Juul break. “I think her wife gets mad if she gets packages to the house. Sucks to suck. I’m gonna have to get it dry cleaned in like a week, too. She spills vinaigrette on everything.”
Following this accidental tip, Jane was able to ascertain that your total bitch of a coworker is also not only eating organic salads for lunch on a regular basis, but reading a non-fiction book called Tao of Raven: An Alaska Native Memoir.
“I just don’t get it,” Jane growled as she gulped La Croix. “She thinks she’s so perfect because she reads books and wears lipstick. It’s so embarassing and anti-feminist.”
When reminded that Chestnut is a lesbian who spent fifteen years as a domestic violence advocate, Jane shrugged it off. “Whatever. She’s still not better than me.”
