After a 10-year run that included biking to work and kayak-blocking Shell’s arctic oil rig, outgoing Seattle City Councilmember Mike O’Brien confirmed at his last Council meeting today that he’ll finally be cutting a little loose with a week-long fossil fuel binge.
“As of right now, the only thing I know my future holds is a stretch Hummer rental filled with the finest polyester-dressed bitches you’ve ever seen,” said O’Brien said as the eight other shocked councilmembers visibly distanced their chairs from him. “We’ll be sucking sweet carbonation through plastic straws as we drive off into the distance, where the only certainty is that we’ll be guzzling an entire 20-gallon gas tank exactly every half hour.”
Drunk with what some call Devil’s Tar Fever, the Ballard District 6 representative since 2010 said it’s high time he indulges a little after the thankless stress of holding political office.
“Look, I did my part: I biked through all the weather Seattle could throw at me, I went on Rachel Maddow, I was detained by the U.S. Coast Guard for blocking Shell’s Arctic oil rig with my own kayak,” O’Brien said. “And what did I get for it? A bunch of Ballard residents barking at me to pull a magic homelessness-ending wand out of my ass. So you know what? Fuck it. Fuck it all, that’s what.”
At press time, O’Brien and the two other outgoing councilmembers – Sally Bagshaw and Bruce Harrell – were seen climbing into the stretch Hum in their finest green house gas-producing threads.
