In an effort to even better assist restaurant patrons with making wise dining choices, Public Health Seattle & King County announced today the addition of a Mr. Yuk rating to its emoji-inspired food safety window signage program.
“While we’re very proud of our light-hearted, germ-shaming system for local restaurants, it seemed businesses and customers weren’t taking enough of a hint when we gave our previous lowest rating ‘Needs to Improve,’” said Public Health spokeswoman Sheena Lowell. “What we really meant to convey with that rating is, yes, we regularly witness pigeons shitting directly into this food before it’s wrapped in plastic and kept at room temperature until sold for human consumption. We’re counting on Mr. Yuk to send a more clear message from now on: ‘This food might be literal poison. Turn around and walk away from this hygiene-forsaken establishment now and let it financially starve to death so we don’t have to permanently close it ourselves, you idiot.’”
Asked why Public Health wouldn’t just use its authority to shutter such businesses altogether, Lowell said it’s unnecessary.
“You don’t need to face problems like three-day-old sushi and the raw woodmilk craze head-on when you’re at the forefront of integrating digital technology and food safety,” Lowell said. “We’re staying ahead of the curve with a new smartphone app for unsanitary hole-in-the-wall food reviews that sends an automatic sick note to your employer. No more trying to e-mail the boss in between cyclical bouts of barfing, diarrhea and passing out. How awesome is that?”
At press time, despite posting of the new food safety rating everywhere, the number of people getting dinner at Taco Bell remained unchanged.
